CHAPTER XXXI

THE FANCY BALL

E must here indulge in a little retrospection.—Although Mr. Barnington hunted with the hounds, his lady took no notice of the Jorrockses, and dashed past their one-horse chaise with the air of an ill-bred woman drawn by well-bred horses. On foot, she never saw them; and if she admitted a knowledge of their existence, it was in that casual sort of way that one speaks of a horse or a dog.

Still she could not disguise from herself that they were thorns in her side Mr. Jorrocks’s popularity, with Belinda’s sweetness and beauty, went far to undermine the throne Mrs. Barnington had set up for herself. Not only were her evening parties less sought after, but she had reason to suspect that even Captain Doleful had declined a dinner invitation in favour of the Jorrockses!

And yet they had never met, save in the streets; but Captain Doleful’s ball involved a crisis that could not be got over without a collision. This had been changed, by Mrs. Barnington’s desire, into a fancy one, in order that she might triumph in the number and brilliance of her diamonds. The costume she fixed upon was that of Queen Elizabeth—not an ill-chosen one for her height and haughty bearing. The dress was ordered in London, as well for the purpose of having it unexceptionable in style and richness, as to enable her to blaze a splendid and unexpected meteor in the assembled host of Handley Cross. It was also expected to have a beneficial influence on Captain Doleful, should any doubt exist as to who was the fittest person for honour.

Notwithstanding Mrs. Barnington’s precautions, the secret of her dress transpired. Mrs. Jorrocks’s Batsay having established an intimacy with our friend John Trot, the footman, the fact descended from the exalted region of upper servitude, and was communicated to Mrs. Jorrocks, with the slight addition, that the Queen had graciously lent Mrs Barnington her crown and sceptre.

“Nay, then!” exclaimed Mrs. Jorrocks, thinking it was all over with her, and fancying she saw Mrs. Barnington sailing into the room with Captain Doleful, her head in the air and her eyes on the ceiling. Long did she muse ere the Table of Precedence flashed across her mind. No sooner did it occur to her, than off she darted to Mr. Jorrocks’s drawers, where, amid a goodly collection of letters, she succeeded in finding Captain Doleful’s one, stating that “the Lady of the M.F.H. came on after members of the Royal family, and before all bishops’ wives and daughters, peeresses, knights’ dames, justices’ wives, and so forth.”

“Mischievous ’ooman!” exclaimed Mrs. Jorrocks, conning the passage attentively; “nasty, mean, circum-wenting hanimal, I sees what’s she’s after! wants to steal a march on me as a member of the Royal family. Come in as a queen, in fact! I’ll be hupsides with her, though!”

Thereupon Mrs. Jorrocks took a highly ornamented sheet of note-paper out of her envelope case, and concocted the following epistle to Captain Doleful:—

“Mrs. Jorrocks’ Comp^ts Capⁿ Doleful, and I will feel much obliged if he will have the kindness to lend her your Table of Precedence for a few minutes, as she wishes to see how things stand in Handley Cross.

“Diana Lodge.”

Captain Doleful was sitting on the counter in Miss Jelly’s shop, in deep consultation with her about his fancy dress, when the note arrived. Having to be the great man at the ball, it was incumbent upon him to have something better than the old militia coat, or even the dress-hunt one, revised. Time pressed, or he would have tried what the Jew clothes-shops in London could do for him, but Miss Jelly, having a fertile imagination, and his interest at heart, he summoned her to his councils, to invent something showy without being expensive.

Many costumes were talked over. Spanish would not do, because the captain would have to show his legs; Swiss entailed a similar objection; and the old English costumes were equally objectionable. Some were too costly, others too complex.

“I have it!” at length exclaimed Miss Jelly, clapping her hands,—“I have it!” repeated she, her face beaming with exultation; “you shall be the Great Mogul!”

“The Great Mogul!” repeated Captain Doleful, thoughtfully.

“Yes, the Great Mogul!” rejoined Miss Jelly. “A turban, with a half-moon in front, petticoat trousers, shell-jacket, moustachios, and so forth.”

“That will do, I think,” replied Doleful, squeezing her hand. “Sound well, and not cost much—will it?”

“Oh, very little!” replied Miss Jelly. “Let me see! One of your scarlet pocket-handkerchiefs will make the crown of the turban, and the folds can be formed of white neckcloths. I have a bird of Paradise feather in my Sunday hat, and a string of large blue beads that will ornament the front. You want some summer trousers, so if you buy as much stuff as will make two pair, it will only be the making and altering, and you can get Nick Savoy into the house at three-and-sixpence a day and his meals, who can cut out the jacket, and I will make and trim it myself.”

“Excellent!” exclaimed Captain Doleful, rubbing his hands, and putting a whole penny tart into his mouth. Just then Benjamin entered, and after having been refused credit for an ounce of paregoric, he put Mrs. Jorrocks’s note into Captain Doleful’s hand.

“I’ll bring it immediately,” said the captain to Benjamin, bolting out of the shop by the side-door, winking at Miss Jelly as he went.

Presently a stamp overhead announced that the captain wanted Miss Jelly, who imprudently leaving the shop in charge of Benjamin, our friend filled his pockets with macaroons and his hat crown with sponge-biscuits, while she was getting her message up-stairs.

“Captain Doleful’s compliments to Mrs. Jorrocks,” said Miss Jelly, returning, “and is very sorry that the Table of Precedence has not been returned from the Herald’s College, where it was sent to be enrolled, but immediately it comes Mrs. Jorrocks shall have it.”

“Yes, marm,” said Benjamin, hurrying off.

“Please, marm, the captain’s compliments, and his table is at the joiner’s gettin’ rolled, but as soon as it comes ’ome you shall have it,” was the answer Benjamin delivered to his mistress.

The captain was shy for a day or two, and Mr. Jorrocks, being more intent upon hunting than etiquette, the poor lady was left to her own devices. Belinda did not appreciate the point, and, moreover, was too busy with her dress to enter upon the question as she should do.

Mrs. Jorrocks mistrusted the captain, and thought he might be inclined to shuffle her off, under pretence of Mrs. Barnington being a queen.

“I’ll be a queen, too!” at length exclaimed she, after a long gaze at the fire, thinking the thing over; “I’ll be a queen, too!” repeated she, snapping her fingers, as though she were meeting Mrs. Barnington; “I’ll be a queen!—the Queen of ’Earts;” exclaimed she, looking at herself in the eagle-topped mirror.

That evening she wrote the following letter to Miss Slummers, or Miss Howard, as she was now called:—

“Dear Miss,—We are a going to have a fancy ball here, and I want your assistance in a dress. Was you ever the Queen of ’Earts? If so, please lend me your robes. If not, pleaze lend me a crown as like the Queen of ’Earts’ crown as you can get it. You know it’s not exactly a crown, but something like a crown stuck on a cap. The sceptre seems like a wand with a rose at the end. Pleaze let me know how I should be dressed behind, as the cards give one no idea. Should like the full robes, if you have them; but, in course, will be happy to take what I can get. Excuse haste and a werry bad pen. Yours, in haste,

“Julia Jorrocks.

Miss Slummers had never been the Queen of Hearts, but had enacted one of the rival Kings of Brentford, in the popular pantomime of that name, and, after a conference with the property-man of the theatre, she thus answered her distinguished friend:—

“Honoured Madam,—Your commands have been received; and I much regret that, never having appeared in the distinguished part of the Q. of Hearts, I have not the necessary properties to send you. I am not aware that the character has ever appeared upon the stage other than in pantomine, and never at either of the theatres to which I have been attached; but our property-man thinks the accompanying crown, fixed on a Swiss cap, ‘Canton de Berne,’ will come as near the card as we can get it. I also send a sceptre, to which is attached a large rose, that we used for the ‘two Kings of Brentford’ to smell at, which comes as near the spirit of the thing as anything can be. The sceptre is our best and triple gilt. The robes should be of brocaded satin, and a large reticule of red silk, in the shape of a heart, dangling negligently on your left arm, will at once proclaim your character. The back of your dress is not material, as crowned heads are only looked at in front. Any further assistance I can be of will be extremely gratifying to me; and I beg to subscribe myself, with great respect, your most obedient and very humble servant,

“C. Howard.

So far, so good. The crown did admirably. It was studded with false brilliants, and looked splendid by candle-light. The sceptre, too, was imposing; and, regardless of expense, Mrs. Jorrocks had the richest brocade cut into the requisite shapes, to wear over a red satin gown she had by her. Nor was the heart-reticule forgotten; and, altogether, Mrs. Jorrocks succeeded in making herself a very fair representative of her Majesty of Hearts. Belinda’s pretty blue and white petticoat, with the scarlet body of a Valencian peasant, was changed for a plain white satin dress, with a court plume, for her to attend as maid of honour on her majesty. Charley was converted into a blue-bodied, white-legged page, with a Spanish hat and feathers.

The Great Mogul’s dress progressed favourably, too. His wide sleeves and great trousers were done, and Miss Jelly had got a bargain of tarnished lace for braiding his red jacket. A splendid beard, whiskers, moustache, and all, were hired for the night, and a pair of five-and-sixpenny red leather slippers were bought, to act the part of shoes at the ball, and supersede a pair of worn out pumps afterwards.

Mrs. Barnington having set the fashion of mystery about her dress, it was followed by the élite of the place, and each tried to mislead his neighbour. Swiss peasants said they were coming as Turks, Turks as Chinese, Charles the Seconds as Napoleons, and Huntsmen as Hermits. Still secrets will transpire, and Mrs. Barnington and Mrs. Jorrocks knew all about each other’s dresses as well as if they were together every day. The former talked at Captain Doleful instead of to him, sometimes pretending to doubt whether the Jorrockses would go, fearing they would not, for vulgar people seldom liked getting so completely out of their element. For her part, she hoped they would, for she had a taste for natural curiosities—heard, too, their daughter was pretty, and should like to see her; and she closed her last interview by presenting Captain Doleful with ten pounds for her tickets.

Mrs. Jorrocks was less mealy-mouthed, and finding the Table of Precedence was not likely to come, she called at Miss Jelly’s on the morning of the ball, and asked the captain what time she should be there to go into the room with him. This was a poser, that even the skilful captain found difficult to parry; but, while bustling his turban and trousers under the sofa, and fussing a greasy-covered arm-chair towards Mrs. Jorrocks, the dinner occurred to him, and, after looking vastly wise, he declared that that was the only thing he had any difficulty about. “You see,” said he, “I am vice-president—then, Mr. Jorrocks is rather a sitter— not that I mean to say he gets drunk, but you know he is fond of society, gay and careless about time, and there are so many toasts to propose, and so many speeches to make, that I fear it is utterly impossible to say what time we may get away, and I—”

“Well, but,” interrupted Mrs. Jorrocks, “the dinner has nothin’ to do with the dance; if Jun chooses to lower ’imself by gettin’ drunk, that’s no reason why you should, and one wice can always appoint another wice, and wicey wersey, I suppose.”

“True,” replied Captain Doleful, assenting to the position; “but, then, if all the dancing men are at the dinner, what use will a master of the ceremonies be of to the ladies?”

“Fiddle the ladies!” exclaimed Mrs. Jorrocks; “it’s not dancin’ men wot ’ill go to the dinner—not your ’air-curlin’, arm-squarin’, caperin’ swells, but old-season’d casks, wot’ll never think o’ the dance.”

“I hope not,” replied Captain Doleful; “why, there will be Mr. Stobbs, for one.”

“He’ll not go to the dinner,” rejoined Mrs. Jorrocks —“stays at home with me.”

Just then, Miss Jelly, judging her lodger was in a dilemma, adroitly re-sealed three or four old notes, and bringing them up on a tart-plate, apologized for intruding, but said the servants were all urgent for answers; and Captain Doleful, availing himself of the excuse, set to work most assiduously, and what with apologizing, scribbling, and mistaking, Mrs. Jorrocks found she might as well go away.

Thus matters stood on the eventful evening whose progress we have so far described. Mrs. Jorrocks was right as to the formation of the dinner-party, few dancing men, and scarcely any fancy dressers, being there. Most of the young gentlemen were corking their eyebrows, fixing on moustache, or drawing on dresses that made them look as unlike themselves as possible. Rear-admirals, who had never had a shave; colonels, who didn’t know how to fasten on their swords; grandees, who didn’t know how to get on their breeches; and fox-hunters, who did not know how to put on their spurs,—stood admiring themselves before their sisters’ mirrors, thinking the ball hour would never arrive. Young ladies laced themselves extra tight, and a little more tournure was allowed for setting off the gay bodices and swelling drapery of their dresses. Neat ankles availed themselves of the licence for wearing fancy dresses requiring short petticoats, while sweeping trains concealed others that were less fortunate in their make. Old dresses were metamorphosed into new, and new fancy ones were made for re-conversion into plain ones another time.

Confused with wine and anger, Captain Doleful rushed hurriedly home to his lodgings, and threw himself into the easy-chair by the fire. He was not done abusing Mr. Jorrocks, when Miss Jelly entered with a bed-candle and a little jug of warm water. She had laid his dress out on the bed; his red and white turban, beaded and feathered, with a barley-sugar half-moon, surmounted his baggy trousers; the red jacket was airing before the fire, and scarlet and white rosettes appeared on the insteps of the slippers. Seeing he was disturbed in his mind, Miss Jelly merely intimated that it wanted ten minutes to nine, and withdrew quietly below.

There was no time to lose; so hastily doffing his hunt-coat, &c., Captain Doleful was soon in his baggy trousers; and having stamped overhead, Miss Jelly was speedily with him, assisting him into his drawn linen vest, over which came the embroidered scarlet jacket, with baggy linen sleeves, tightening at the wrist; a long blue scarf encircling his waist, displaying the gilt handle of his militia sword. When he had got on his beard, moustaches, and whiskers, and surmounted the whole with his turban, his black eyes assumed a brightness, and his whole appearance underwent a change that elicited an involuntary expression of admiration from Miss Jelly. “The captain,” she really thought, “looked splendid!” Thereupon, regardless of the increasing ratio of fare, he liberally offered her a ride in his fly to the rooms.

The Queen of Hearts commenced her toilette immediately after tea, and had no little trouble in fixing her crown, and her cap, and her front on her head. The rustling robes required much adjusting, and Belinda got little of Betsy’s services that night.

Mrs. Barnington’s robes being accurately made, were easily adjusted. Her great ruff rose majestically; her pink satin jewelled stomacher, piqued in the extreme, glittered with diamonds and precious stones, and her portentous petticoat of white satin, embroidered with silver, stood imperiously out. Round her neck she wore a costly chain, and her black coif was adorned with ropes and stars of jewels, with an enormous diamond brilliant in the centre. She rustled at every move.

By half-past nine all Handley Cross was in masquerade. Brothers met sisters in the drawing-rooms, and were lost in astonishment at each other; the servants came openly forward to inspect their young masters and missises. The rain had ceased and been succeeded by a starlight night; the populace turned out to congregate about the ball-rooms, or at the doors where carriages waited to take up. The noise inside the “Dragon” kept a crowd up outside; and as the Queen of Hearts drove up for her husband, rival cheers announced her arrival.

“It’s a man!” exclaimed one, putting his face close to the window as Mrs. Jorrocks lowered the glass of the fly, to give her orders to the fly-man.

“It’s not!” replied another.

“I say it is!” rejoined a third. “It’s a beef-eater— what they stick outside shows to ’tice the company up.” Then a fresh round of cheers arose, which might either be in answer to applause within, or in consequence of the discovery made without, for a mob is never very particular what they shout for. Meanwhile Mrs. Jorrocks drew up the glass protecting her maid of honour, her page, and herself, from the night air.

The Queen of Hearts was in a terrible fidget, and every moment seemed an hour. Flys drove up for gentlemen that were “not ready,” and cut away for those whose turn came next. Shouts sounded in the various streets as befeathered and bespangled dresses darted through the crowds into the carriages; and as the vehicles fell into line by the rooms, there was such gaping, and quizzing, and laughing among the spectators, and such speculation as to what they were.

People generally go early to fancy balls; it is one of the few things of life that a person is not ashamed of being first at. Indeed the order of things is generally reversed, and instead of people telling their friends that they mean to be there rather earlier than they do, they are apt to name a somewhat later time, in order to arrive first themselves. Some thirty or forty people had got there before Captain Doleful, chiefly door-payers, who came to see the fun, without regard to benefiting him. Three Bohemian brothers, a Robin Hood, a Mail Guard, and a Rural Policeman were not a little puzzled at the Great Mogul’s empressement, for though they knew him as Captain Doleful, M.C., they had no idea who the gentleman was in the turban and trousers.

The red folding-doors now kept flapping like condors’ wings, as Highlanders, and archers, and deputy-lieutenants, and Hamlets, and sailors, and Turks, and harlequins, and judges, and fox-hunters, came shouldering and elbowing in with variously-dressed ladies on their arms,—Russians, Prussians, Circassians, Greeks, Swiss, and Chinese—a confusion of countries all speaking one tongue. Captain Doleful was pushed from his place before the doors, and nobody ever thought of asking for him, so intent were they on themselves and each other. “Bless me, is that you?”—“Who’d have thought?”—“Mar, here’s James!” “Oh, dear, and William Dobbs!”—“What’s your dress?” “Beautiful, I declare!”—“Your pistols arn’t loaded, I hope?”— “Splendid uniform!”—“French chasseur!”—“They told me you were coming as a post boy.”—“Oh, dear, look there!”—“What a rum old lass!”—“The Queen of the Cannibal Islands!”—“Mrs. Hokey Pokey Wankey Fum!”

We need scarcely say that this latter exclamation was elicited by the entrance of the Queen of Hearts, followed by her page in Spanish costume of spangled purple velvet and white, with black hat and feather; and Belinda in white satin, with a court plume of feathers. A slight flush of confusion mantled over her lovely brow, imparting a gentle radiance to her languishing blue eyes, contrasting with the fixed and stern determination of her aunt’s. Her majesty’s appearance was certainly most extraordinary. The free-masonish sort of robes, the glittering crown on the sombre cap, the massive sceptre held like a parasol, were ludicrous enough; but in addition to this, her majesty had forgotten to put off her red and white worsted feet-comforters, and was making her way up the room with them draggling about her ankles.

Captain Doleful, all politeness, informed her of the omission, and unfortunately discovered himself, for no sooner did Mrs. Jorrocks find out to whom she was indebted, than keeping her arm in the Great Mogul’s, where it had been placed while she drew the things off, she made a movement towards the ball-room door, which being seconded by the crowd behind—all anxious to get in and scatter themselves for inspection—they were fairly carried away by the tide, and the Queen of Hearts and the Great Mogul entered the room with people of all nations at their heels.

Great was Mrs. Jorrocks’s gratitude. “Oh, dear, it was so werry kind—so werry engagin’. If it hadn’t been the captin announcin’ himself, I should never have guessed it was him;” and the captain bit his lips and cursed his stupidity for getting himself into such a mess. Still the Queen of Hearts stuck to him, and, sceptre in hand, strutted up and down the well-lit room, fancying herself “the observed of all observers.”

For the first time in his life the captain’s cunning forsook him. He didn’t know how to get rid of his incubus,—and even if he did, he knew not whether to station himself in the ante-room to receive Mrs. Barnington, or to let the ball begin, and brazen it out. As he walked about, half frantic with rage, his turban pinching, and his beard and whiskers tickling him, an opposition Mogul gave the signal to the musicians, and off they went with a quadrille, leaving the couples to settle to the figure as the music went on.

Then as Turks balanced to Christians, and Louis Napoleon wheeled sweet Anne Page about by the arms, two highly-powdered footmen threw wide the doors, and in sailed Mrs Barnington, catching poor Doleful with Mrs. Jorrocks on his arm. One withering look she gave, and then drawing herself up into a sort of concentrated essence of grandeur, towered past, followed by old Jorrocks minus his coat-tail; and our worthy master, thinking to do all proper honours to the wife of a gentleman who subscribed so liberally to his hounds, immediately asked her to dance, which being indignantly refused, he consoled himself by taking all the pretty girls in the room by turns, who unanimously declared that he was a most agreeable, energetic old gentleman, and an excellent dancer.

And owing to the spirit with which Mr. Jorrocks kept it up, that ball was productive of a most prolific crop of offers, which, we need scarcely say, sent the Jorrocks funds up very considerably.