CHAPTER LV
PRESENTATION OF THE PIGG TESTIMONIAL
The Pigg testimonial became the fashion at Handley Cross. Every subscriber, no matter how little he had given, wanted to control the total expenditure. One thought a silver salver with a suitable inscription would be the thing, another thought a highly-mounted silver horn, a third a silver cup with the Pigg arms emblazoned thereon, a fourth suggested a portrait of Pigg by an eminent local artist, while a fifth inquired if there was a Mistress Pigg, in order that they might present her with a bracelet, an armlet, or some such suitable tribute. The trading subscribers were anxious to turn the tide of benevolence into their own peculiar lines. Selvage, the tailor, thought it was of no use sharing the subscription with Frostwork, the silversmith, who would charge them nobody knew what for pattern, and fashion, and fiddle-stick; while a good suit of clothes—say a blue coat with bright buttons, a Berlin vest, with a pair of Oxford diagonal rib trousers with black stripes down the sides—would be a far more useful and sensible present than a cartload of plate to a man without a sideboard. Bunion, the bootmaker, thought a pair of new tops, or a pair of tops and a pair of Wellingtons, would be more in character for a huntsman; while De Pledge, the pawnbroker, who had a very elegant ormolu eight-light candelabrum up the spout, wanted to make the payment of his half-crown contingent on their taking it. Then Frostwork, on his part, insisted that the correct testimonial to a huntsman was a coffee and teapot, sugar basin, and cream-ewer, with some sporting emblematical device engraved thereon, and spoke of a very nice set he could let the committee have very reasonable, and which was fit to grace the table of the first nobleman in the land.
Unfortunately, however, for all their schemes and calculations, the money melted almost as fast as it was collected.
The two suppers a week ran away with nearly all that the active committee didn’t run away with themselves, the usual allowance of twenty per cent. for non-paying subscribers being taken into account.
This was rather an awkward circumstance, no testimonial being perfect without a presentation; and Handley Cross of all places being the last that could afford to dispense with any excitement-giving proceeding.
As usual, those who had given the least made the most noise, and it very soon became evident that nothing but a public presentation would satisfy the expectations of the place. The “Paul Pry” had inadvertently magnified our huntsman into a hero, and as it was rumoured that he was likely to recover the money his “fore elder John” had deprived him of, he began to be looked upon, by the fair sex in particular, as a gentleman in disguise. Some even hinted that he was the rightful owner of Balmoral. The more the thing was talked about, the more impossible it became to avoid letting people see to the application of their money; and at length it was settled that the testimonial, which the committee insisted on selecting themselves, should be presented at a half-crown six o’clock meal, which would serve the aristocracy for a dinner, and the democracy for a supper.
Mr. De Pledge, the pawnbroker, who had the care of a very extensive assortment of first-rate jewellery, agreed to job a handsome gold watch with a Watherston and Brogden chain, provided he were allowed to strip Pigg of the same when the party broke up; and these preliminaries being arranged, they began to look about for a chairman. This was rather a difficult point, it requiring a gentleman, while the “Salmon,” though extremely comfortable, was only, as its tariff shows, a second or third-rate house. Many gentlemen were named, but there were objections raised to them all. One couldn’t speak, another couldn’t drink; a third, Pigg or some of them had insulted; while a fourth was so entirely a townman, that he would be sure to keep the country people away. At last they hit upon Puppy Cackler, as he was improperly called, a sort of social bat, hovering between town and country. The country people wouldn’t have him, and he wouldn’t have the townspeople, so between the two he was badly off for society. Before Handley Cross became what it is, his place, Vernal Court, was in the country, and he had no notion of losing caste because the town had chosen to build up to it.
At first he demurred to taking the chair, because, though the hunt might be considered a country thing, yet the testimonial was a town one.
However, his great natural love of a let-off prevailed, and he consented to preside, first informing himself as accurately as he could, for he was no sportsman, of Mr. Pigg’s habits and antecedents.
The walls of Handley Cross then became alive with red-lettered bills, announcing that—
HORATIO CACKLER, ESQUIRE,
OF VERNAL COURT,
WOULD PRESENT THE
PIGG TESTIMONIAL
AT THE
Salmon Hotel,
at six o’clock on Thursday evening, and forthwith the dandified Horatio began to comb out his words, and string together his sentences in his usual inflated much-ado-about-nothing style.
The committee had then to bestir themselves to prepare Pigg both outwardly and inwardly for the occasion—outwardly in the way of clothes, and inwardly in the way of a speech expressive of his gratitude. As they thought to catch a few more subscribers by making out that there was still a slight deficiency in the price of the Watherston and Brogden chain, it was at first proposed to dress Pigg up as a Highlander; but our friend rebelled and libelled the costume in terms not fit to be reproduced. His own wardrobe, consisting of the clothes in which Mr. Jorrocks hired him (vide p. 192), being clearly inapplicable, his hunting ones were then canvassed; but considering that he was to appear in the character of an out-of-luck gentleman, it was determined to draw on De Pledge’s ample stores for a becoming suit.
The speech was the most difficult thing to manage, for though Taws, the schoolmaster, wrote him out several most appropriate ones, Pigg could never be induced to get one by heart, relying, like many untried orators, on the occasion supplying the needful.
Whenever Taws came to get him to recite, he was always too busy to attend to him.
On the appointed day, Batsay having borrowed one of Mr. Jorrocks’s best frilled shirts, and Mr. Barnington’s washerwoman having supplied him with one of that gentleman’s orthodox collars, Pigg was seen turning out of De Pledge’s side-door in an uncommon “get-up.” Blash, the barber, had cut and curled him, at least what there was of him to curl, while the imposing-looking frill was further developed by a much amplified lace-tipped Joinville, and a broad roll-collared white waist-coat, with imitation bloodstone buttons. From his roomy-sleeved blue dress coat pocket peeped a cambric kerchief—a thing altogether beside Pigg’s wants, as were the braces that now preserved the equilibrium of a pair of candle-light kerseymeres over his red-legged patent leather boots. A damaged Gibus hat sat at an uneasy sort of half-cock on his head, while he flourished a pair of eighteenpenny lemon-coloured kids in his hand. Thus attired, he proceeded along Columbine Street through Larkspur Crescent to Longpod Lane, eliciting the grinning laughter of the grown, and exclamations from the little boys of “L-a-u-k, that’s Pigg!” “Did you ever?” “No, I never!” and so on.
Arrived at the Salmon Inn, there was such a crowd about the door, that De Pledge and Taws, who had agreed to walk at a respectful distance behind Pigg—near enough of course to prevent his bolting with the clothes—now came up, and with their authoritative “make way there, make way!” informed the starers that the gaunt elbower was the hero of the night. Pigg then pushed through the doorway, and was presently in the bar at the end of the passage, where, finding a couple of glasses of gin on a tray ready for serving, he just swigged them off, and then demanded where he was to gan? His keepers, who were close upon him, now took each an arm, and led him up the crowded old-fashioned staircase, for the “Salmon” was Roger Swizzle’s old original Handley Cross house, to the low reception room—his supporters urging him to mind his P’s and Q’s and “be’ave like a gentleman.”
Mr. Jorrocks, though rather jealous of the whole proceeding, had arrived sky-blued and canaried all the same, and was forming part of a select circle round the intense swell of a chairman, when “Mister Pigg!” came towering in after his name.
The sea of society dividing as Pigg approached, the chairman and he were presently vis-à-vis.
“Ho’o ist, canny man? ho’o ist?” exclaimed James; “give us a wag o’ thy nief,” tendering his horny fist to the thin-skinned Mr. Cackler. Then turning to his astonished master, he added, “Sink, thous’ beat me here then, ’ard man!”
The chairman, hearing this, rather recovered the shock of his own salute, and attributing the roughness of Pigg’s manners to the ruggedness of his country,
“Caledonia stern and wild,”
proceeded to try and ingratiate himself with him not withstanding.
“Beautiful weather,” said Mr. Cackler, rubbing his hands as if he was washing them.
“Varra,” replied Pigg, with a hitch of what he thought were his brace-less breeches.
“Hope you’ve got a good appetite,” observed the chairman, as the smell of dinner came mounting upstairs.
“Can’t say ar hev,” replied James, fumbling about for his baccy box. “Can’t say ar hev,” adding—“ar’s ne greet eater at ony time—drinkin’s better for the teeth nor eatin’. Sink,” continued he, still fumbling about for his baccy box, which he had left in his own coat-pocket, and catching a sight of himself in the opposite mirror. “Sink, ar wonder what mar coosin Deavilboger would say gin he were to see me rigged out like a squeire, toppin’ arle corled, and sark lap stickin’ out ahint,” Pigg ducking and bending and turning about to examine himself as he spoke.
“What sort of weather have they in the north—do you hear, Mr. Pigg?” asked the chairman, thinking to fix his exact locality.
“A, grand weather! grand weather!” replied Pigg; “it’s arleways grand weather there. Sink,” continued he, speaking full gallop—“Ar wish ar was there—gin ar had me reets, ar de believe ar’d been a gen’l’man this day, and hontin’ my own hunds, only you see mar fore elder John you see, John Pigg you see, willed arle wor brass to the formary ye see, and left me wi’ fairly nout—gin ye gan to the formary ye’ll see it arle clagged up i’ great goud letters gin the warll,” Pigg fibbing away at the chairman until he got him “clagged up ’gin the warll” too.
At this critical moment, Owen Sherry, the landlord, announced that dinner was served, whereupon a bowing match took place between Pigg and the chairman, Pigg not understanding what Mr. Cackler’s motioning towards the door meant. The latter at length put an end to the controversy by running his arm through Pigg’s, and leading him out of the room—presently bringing him to an anchor on the right of the chair, with a round of beef under his nose. Jorrocks followed, closely pressed upon by the company at large, who soon filled the not very long, long room of the Salmon. After the usual rushing, and scrambling, and fighting for seats, silence was at length obtained, when grace being said, they fell to with the voracity of foxhounds.
The delicate-feeding Pigg astonished the chairman by asking for a third help of beef, after he had had what appeared to Mr. Cackler two most sufficient ones together with an inordinate quantity of winter cabbage, carrot, and peas pudding. The half-crown only affording eatables, the company were soon invited to give their orders for fluids, and the table presently became dotted with pint decanters, which in a more aristocratic house would have done duty for bottles. The guests then began challenging Pigg to take wine, upon which our friend desired them to send up the bottles, observing “that it was ne compliment to a man to ax him to drink at his own expense.” Thus Pigg, who had bargained for a bottle of rum to himself, got a very considerable quantity of other liquor to the saving of his spirit. Not that he did save it much, for he kept applying to it pretty freely between times, drinking nearly a pint during dinner. So the entertainment proceeded amidst great clamour, and the astonishment of Mr. Cackler, at the manner in which the chieftain eat with his knife. At length the most vigorous appetite was appeased, the clatter gradually died out, and the guests began puffing, and wheezing, and ruminating on what was to follow.
The cloth being drawn, and grace said, the chairman prosed through the usual loyal and patriotic toasts, and then paused for the grand let-off of the evening. Having duly received the gold watch with the glittering Watherston and Brogden chain at the hands of Mr. De Pledge, and examined it carefully inside and out, he coiled the chain becomingly round the watch on the table, and clearing his voice with a substantial “hem,” stood well erect, with his right hand extended and his left reposing in his emerald green velvet vest, to pour the vial of his eloquence upon our curley-pated Pigg.
“Mr. Pigg!” said he, in a sonorous voice, amidst general applause; “Mr. James Pigg,” repeated he, correcting himself, for he liked to do everything by the card.
“Aye,” interrupted James, chuckling and laughing, “that’s just what they carl me i’ the smarl debts coourt.”
“Mr. James Pigg,” continued Mr. Cackler, amidst laughter from the interruption, “the pleasing—the extraordinarily pleasing and interesting—I may say exciting task of presenting you with this glittering memorial of our appreciation and approval,” taking up the watch and showing the sparkling chain full length as he spoke, “has been entrusted—unworthily entrusted I fear (applause, with cries of ‘No, no,’) to the ’umble individual who now stands before you; but, Mr. Pigg—that —that is to say, Mr. James Pigg—let not the inefficiency of the spokesman be to you a measure whereby to judge of the estimation in which you are held in this great county—a county second to none in the kingdom, whether we regard its agricultural properties, or the wealth and respectability of its inhabitants. (Applause from the country section of the party.) No, Mr. Pigg, let the merits—demerits rather—of the spokesman be no more to you a measure whereby to judge of the estimation in which you are held than is this trifling present,” again flourishing the testimonial, “richly jewelled though it be (applause), a criterion of the value the country sets upon your services. (Renewed applause.) Never was a call more heartily responded to than the suggestion that we should mark the approbation in which you are held by all ranks and conditions of her Majesty’s subjects. (Great cheering.) Your courtesy, your urbanity, your true gentlemanly ease and polished politeness, are the universal theme of approval on every tongue.”
“Sink! noo thous mackin’ gam on me!” roared Pigg, striking furiously on the deal table with his doubled fist.
“Hush, James! hush!” exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks, kicking him under the table, fearing he would pitch into the chairman.
“Permit me to say, sir,” continued the chairman, looking rather foolish at his butter not being swallowed, “permit me to say, sir, that your private worth is equalled only by your public prowess. As a huntsman, you are unrivalled! (Great applause.) For charging a bullfinch or negotiating a brook, I am told there is not your equal in her Majesty’s wide dominions. (Renewed applause, with a “Keep the tambourine a roulin’!” and clapping of hands from Pigg.) But these considerations,” continued the chairman, shirking the ground on which he was weak as soon as possible; “but these considerations sink into insignificance compared to the excellent moral example your good and orderly conduct has set to all ranks and conditions of people in this rising and important town. (Applause, mingled with laughter, from Pigg’s more intimate friends.) You have indeed shown that the highest sporting enterprise is not incompatible with the gentlest and most exemplary private virtues.” (Renewed laughter and applause.)
“On behalf then of the subscribers,” continued Mr. Cackler, again taking up the testimonial, “permit me to beg your acceptance of this gold watch and appendage.” Mr. Cackler proceeding to invest Pigg with them as he spoke, much in the manner of a mayor investing his successor with the badge and chain of office. Having placed the watch in the left-hand pocket and arranged the chain becomingly over the white waistcoat, he rubbed his delicate hands together, and thus resumed,—
“Long, sir, long may you be spared to enliven the woods and dales of this country with your melodious, spirit-stirring voice, and should kind Providence decree, which I, which we all, most fervently pray may be the case—should, I say, kind Providence decree that you be again restored to those ancestral honours of which you have been so cruelly, so unjustly deprived, then amid the wild solitudes of your mountain grandeur may the mild notes of that repeater recall the warm hearts that beat responsive in Handley Cross.”
Mr. Cackler bowed low to Pigg and the party, and resumed his seat amidst loud and long-continued applause. As it gradually died out, all eyes became turned upon James, who kept winking and nodding in his seat as if going to sleep. At length the cry of “Pigg! now Pigg! James Pigg!” became so general that our Master was obliged to kick him under the table, backing the application of his foot with an authoritative “now then!” which caused Pigg to start and stare wildly about.
“It’s the speech,” now whispered Taws, who had slunk along at the back of the guests, in his ear. “The speech, returning thanks, you know.”
“Aye, aye,” replied James, preparing to rise, which at length he did with some difficulty, and stood with his honours around him, receiving the plaudits of the company. As they in turn subsided, he was observed to sway to and fro, so much so that it was even betting whether he fell backwards or forwards.
“Sink!” exclaimed he, sawing the air with his right hand, and then clapping the two violently together, “Sink, but James Pigg’s a brick;” whereupon he went back over like a ladder.
Great then was the confusion. All rushed to the aid of the fallen chieftain. One sluiced him with water, another took off his Joinville, a third opened his vest, a fourth suggested he’d be better for some brandy, while Mr. Jorrocks hinted that perhaps he’d had enough.
In the midst of the confusion, the anxious Mr. De Pledge alone looked after the testimonial, and under pretence of taking care of it, proceeded to strip off the Watherston and Brogden chain, with its substantial appurtenance.
Mr. Jorrocks, who had eyed the watch as it lay on the table, with the look of an old acquaintance, now begged leave to examine it, and finding the name and number as he expected—“Green, Ward, and Green, No. 1157,” he coolly claimed it,—his fair friend of the frying pan having pawned it at De Pledge’s a few days after the Pinch-me-near forest day. So whatever happened to others, Mr. Jorrocks at least came in for his own.
Pigg was then conveyed home in a fly, and the refined Puppy Cackler, disgusted at having been called upon to do honour to such a tiger—left too, whereupon Duncan Nevin was called to the chair, and with a some-what shortened table the conviviality of the meeting was prolonged to the little hours of the morning. As Taws and he at length steered their way home in a very blind leading the blind sort of way, the glimmering lights in the “Pry” printing office reminded them that the paper then printing off would contain an account of things as they ought to have been and not as they were. However, it was too late to alter it even if they had been in a fit state to do it. So the absentees were treated to a very different version of what happened, to that which we have given. After expatiating on the excellence of the entertainment—an excellence peculiar to Owen Sherry and the Salmon Hotel, it proceeded to give the opening speeches much as we have given them, and concluded with the following, which Mr. Pigg was stated to have delivered with much feeling and marked emphasis as soon as the cheering caused by his rising subsided.
Pigg, loquitur.—“Mr. Chairman and gentlemen, I rise under feelings of no ordinary difficulty to return you my most heartfelt and grateful thanks, as well for the superb and valuable testimonial you have been pleased to present me with, as for the flattering terms and cordial enthusiasm with which the presentation has been accompanied and received. (Applause.) Gentlemen, splendid as this testimonial is (producing it as he spoke) its real and intrinsic value to my feelings is the assurance it conveys that the exertions I have made in the furtherance of your sport and in promoting the prosperity of this queen of watering places have not been in vain. (Great applause.) But, gentlemen, I do not arrogate to myself the whole of the success that has attended these exertions. I have the honour and good fortune to serve under a gentleman whose name is closely associated with everything that is great, liberal, and patriotic. (Immense applause.) It is only for me to suggest anything either in the way of hounds, horses, or hunting, and it is sure to be responded to by my most excellent and liberal master. (Renewed applause.) Gentlemen, I could expatiate without fear of wearying either you or myself on the merits of our most popular master, were it not that his fame is universal, and his humility equal only to his fame. (Immense applause.) Long, I say, may the town of Handley Cross profit by the presence of such a sportsman! (Renewed cheers.) For myself, I may truly say I look upon it as the happiest incident of a somewhat chequered life (applause), that my lot has been cast in such waters. (Renewed applause.) And now, gentlemen,” continued Mr. Pigg, dashing a tear from his manly eye, “again let me thank you for this memorial of your friendship and esteem, infinitely more valuable from that feeling than in money’s worth, great as that undoubtedly is (loud cheering), a memorial that I will hand down as an heirloom in the Pigg family to the latest generation.”
The report stated that Mr. Pigg resumed his seat amid loud and long-continued applause, far different to falling back over like a ladder, as he did. But we dare say the report was not a bit more exaggerated than the generality of the reports of these daily increasing outbursts of spontaneous coercion.
