CHAPTER LVI

SUPERINTENDENT CONSTABLES SHARK AND CHIZELER

Next day, as our Master was labouring away at his great work, the “Life of Johnny Gilpin,” Betsey came to say that the “Pollis” wanted to see him.

“Pollis!” exclaimed Jorrocks, dropping his pen with evident alarm; “Pollis! wot can the Pollis want wi’ me?” thinking he had come to take him up for stealing the watch. And in an instant our Master saw the whole paraphernalia of the law from the inquisitiveness of the Justice to the disagreeable familiarity of Jack Ketch paraded before his eyes.

“Shall I send him in, then?” asked Betsey, surprised at her master’s perturbation.

“In then!” ejaculated Jorrocks. “In then!” repeated he, staring out his eye-balls. “Yes—no—yes—that’s to say, prisently,” thinking if he was rid of Betsey he’d bolt the back way.

The gentleman, however, who had followed close upon Betsey’s heels, here made his appearance, and Mr. Jorrocks found himself confronted with the man of law. He was a hairy, seedy, well set-up, military-looking man, dressed in a shabby hook-and-eyed braided blue frock coat, which concealed as well the deficiency of linen as of waistcoat. His trousers were very broad, badly-washed cords, strapped under a pair of boisterous badly-soled boots. Altogether, he was a sort of cross between a serjeant and a circus-master. He was a draft from the rural police in an adjoining county, where his dissolute habits had procured him a hint that his “resignation would be accepted,” an arrangement that enabled the Chief Constable to give him high testimonials for his present situation, to obtain which, of course, he represented to the innocent Justices he had resigned his former appointment. He was now Superintendent Constable, and he, who couldn’t control himself, was placed in authority over others.

He had a capital berth of it, having no one to look after him, and took his salary as a sort of retaining fee, looking upon “incidentals,” as he elegantly called his extortions, as the real emoluments of his office.

He was a sharp fellow, too, and could twist and trim facts so as to inveigle people into prosecutions who would never have instituted them if left to themselves. In these cases he had his fling at Sessions or Assizes, where, with always fresh victims to work upon, he preyed upon their generosity with considerable advantage, besides having his “reglers” from the reprobate lawyer with whom he confederated. If he could not manage a commitment, then he would have a little snug bill of costs drawn out so as to exhibit great activity, though his researches were generally directed to parts of the country where he wanted to visit rather than to where he was likely to catch the offender. His horse—like most of those worthies’ horses—was a phantom one, for he rarely had one, never if he could turn a penny by selling it.

His activity was unbounded. He would drink in any company, no matter how low, for the purpose, as he said, of worming out secrets, though the quantity of drink he took generally made the information of very little value on the morrow. No offence was too trifling for his vigilant eye. Indeed, he showed his activity chiefly in trifles, and in drawing out bombastic reports of his wonderful exploits. Omar Pacha himself, at the head of a victorious army, was not half such a hero as Superintendent Shark marching triumphantly along with a few shivering stick or turnip-stealers, whose fluttering rags scarcely concealed their poverty-stricken nakedness. But we will let his interview with Mr. Jorrocks speak for his general performances. We will suppose him entering the sanctum.

Having advanced right into the middle of the room, he drew himself bolt upright, and putting himself in the first position, gave our Master a full military swing of a salute. This rather comforted our friend, who expected a different sort of commencement.

“Your servant, Sir,” said the Superintendent, dropping his arm straight down his side with a sound.

“Yours,” bowed our Master, still full stare.

“I have made free, Sir, to call, Sir,” said the Superintendent, elevating his voice to witness-box pitch; “I have made free, Sir, to call, Sir, respecting the very daring and outrageous robbery that was committed upon your person on the—”

“What robbery?” interrupted Mr. Jorrocks, still thinking there was some mistake, and that the Superintendent would be collaring him after all.

“The robbery of the watch, Sir; the gold watch and seals, Sir; ‘J. J., St. Botolph’s Lane,’ on a red cornelian seal; ‘J. J., Great Coram Street,’ on a white cornelian seal, with a gold fox-head key and ring;” referring to a large clasped volume, like a regimental orderly book, as he spoke.

“Oh, ah,” replied Mr. Jorrocks, dry-shaving his chin. “I did lose my ticker,” thinking perhaps the less stir he made about it the better: especially now that he had got it safe in his fob.

“From information, Sir, that I received, Sir,” continued the Superintendent, “I had reason to suppose that the parties who robbed you of your very valuable property, Sir, were part of a most daring gang of burglars and smashers, who have taken up their quarters at East Poppington, on the borders of the county, Sir, and immediately I heard of the robbery, Sir, which was not until the Monday afternoon, Sir, at two o’clock, Sir! yes, at two o’clock, Sir, I immediately proceeded to Superintendent Chizeler’s, for it is not in my district, and consulted with him as to the expediency of applying to Augustus Frederick Emanuel Smith, Esq., of East Rosemary Hall, the nearest magistrate, for a warrant, Sir—yes, Sir, for a warrant, Sir—but, Sir, Superintendent Constable Chizeler, Sir, who is an officer, Sir, of great ability and experience, Sir, thought the case was hardly sufficiently ripe, Sir, for a warrant, Sir, and recommended that we should pursue our enquiries and investigations conjointly together a little longer, Sir, which we did, Sir, and I—”

“Then you didn’t grab ’em?” interrupted Mr. Jorrocks, thinking how well they had run a false scent.

“No, Sir; that is to say, not yet, Sir; but from information I am now in possession of, Sir, I have little doubt, Sir, that the parties may be got, should you direct us to follow them up, which, of course, Sir, for the sake of example, a gentleman in your position will do.”

“Humph!” grunted Mr. Jorrocks, thinking they had better leave them alone.

“Only,” continued the Superintendent, drawing up to his point; “as the investigation has lasted a considerable time, and been attended with some little expense, I considered it my duty to consult you before incurring any further cost.”

“Humph!” grunted Mr. Jorrocks again, beginning to see through the object of the mission.

“The charges,” continued the Superintendent, producing a bill from the important-looking book, opening and laying it before our Master, “are merely the usual charges for money out of pocket, money absolutely expended in the necessary prosecution of the enquiries.”

“Humph!” grunted Mr. Jorrocks, preparing to peruse it.

It was a large, lawyer-like bill, a delicacy with which most of our readers, we dare say, are familiar. Thus it ran:—

“Account of Expenses boney fidey incurred by Jonathan Shark, Superintending Constable for the Hundred of Hungerlaw, in prosecuting an enquiry into a most daring and aggrivated robbery committed on the person of John Jorrocks, Esquire, Master of the Handley Cross Foxhounds:—

“Well,” said Mr. Jorrocks, with a chuck of his chin, after reading it; “I daresay it’s all right—at least I doesn’t know nothin’ to the contrary—you’d better take it to the chap who employed you, and see wot he says.”

“Oh, this, Sir,” replied the Superintendent, putting on a bold face; “this, Sir, is the mere preliminary charge that is always borne by the prosecutor, Sir; that is to say, Sir, by the party, Sir, losing the property, Sir; even, Sir, if it had gone before the magistrate, Sir, Augustus Frederick Emanuel Smith, Esquire, of East Rosemary Hall, no part of these costs would have been allowed in the certificate of expenses, under the seventh of George the Fourth, Chapter sixty-four, Section twenty-two,” the Superintendent thinking to floor our Master with a redundancy of law.

“Well, but,” replied Mr. Jorrocks, dry-shaving his chin; “well, but s’pose the party likes to lose his property, there’s no law ’gin his bein’ ’commodated, I s’pose.”

“Why, no, Sir; certainly not, Sir;” replied the Superintendent, looking rather blank: “only that, Sir, is a case, Sir, the law does not contemplate, Sir.”

“Well, but neither does the law contemplate keepin’ you and your quad, and then havin’ you joltin’ ’bout wi’ Chizeler in a ’ired gig, livin’ at inns and places, as if you ’ad nothin’ from the county.”

“Ah, that you see, Sir,” replied the undaunted Shark; “that you see, Sir, was in consequence of my having to go out of my own district, Sir, you see, Sir, in consequence of information I received, Sir, I proceeded at once into Superintendent Constable Chizeler’s district, and—”

“Well! but surely you can follow your fox, that’s to say, your thief, into another man’s country, and take ’im, prowided you don’t dig ’im,” retorted Mr. Jorrocks, indignantly, reasoning by analogy to fox-hunting.

“Yes, Sir; exactly so, Sir,” replied the complacent policeman. “Yes, Sir; exactly so, Sir; only you see, Sir, it is necessary, Sir, to have the original warrant backed by a magistrate of the county into which you follow him.”

“But if you haven’t got a warrant. If you’re takin’ a bye on your own ’count; ’ow then?” asked Mr. Jorrocks.

The policeman was posed.

“Well, I don’t know nothin’ ’bout nothin’ o’ the sort,” resumed Mr. Jorrocks, twisting and turning the bil about, to see if he would like it better in any other position. “Well, I don’t know nothin’ ’bout nothin’ o the sort—it may be all right and proper ’irin’ gigs and ’osses when you are paid for keepin’ your own, and chargin’ pussonal expenses, you and Chizeler, when you’re paid for keepin’ yourselves; but I doesn’t goinside i’ that ’pinion. Wot I says is this, that if a man likes to be robbed, it’s werry ’ard if he mayn’t be indulged, but a man had better be both robbed and murder’d than ’ave sich a bill as this sent in to ’im. Zounds, Sir! You do take my life when you take the means whereby I live,” exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks, boiling up, as he doubled up the bill, and thrust it back upon his visitor.

And the disgusted Superintendent, who had arranged for having a lark with Superintendent Chizeler at Jollyfield hiring, retired very much disgusted at our Master’s spiritless parsimony, declaring that it was utterly impossible to expect Superintendent Constables to do their duty if they were not properly support