CHAPTER LXI

THE PRIVATE DEAL

An usually good season having crowned Captain Doleful’s exertions, and things altogether wearing an upward aspect, he entered into a deep mental calculation, whether it would not be quite as cheap keeping a horse altogether as hiring the town hacks, which he found were not so safe as was desirable for a great official character like himself. The idea originated in the circumstance of Mr. Jorrocks’s horse Xerxes being unsold, which Captain Doleful thought might be got for a trifle, and seemed to have been put to all the purposes a horse is capable of performing. Having weighed the pros and cons, and inquired the horse’s character of everybody about the town, our cautious M.C. at last ventured to write the following letter about ten days after Mr. Jorrocks’s return to London:—

“Dear Mr. Jorrocks,—I regret much to learn that your horse Xerxes still remains on hand. I was in hopes some of the indifferent judges would have taken a fancy to him, and relieved you of an animal confessedly unsuited to your purpose; but that not being the case, I trouble you with this, to say that Miss Lucretia Learmouth is in want of an animal to draw her four-wheeled chaise about, and make himself generally useful, and I should be happy to be of any service in recommending him to her. Price, I should observe, will be the first consideration, therefore please put him in at the lowest possible figure. Of course I presume he is what they call ‘all right.’ On a close examination of his countenance, I perceive sundry grey hairs scattered about:—is not this symptomatic of age? With compliments to the ladies, who, I hope, arrived safe, believe me, dear Mr. Jorrocks,

The following was Mr. Jorrocks’s answer:—

“Dear Doleful,—Yours is received, and note the contents. Xerxes may not be first-rate, but he is a good enduring quad, well calkilated for much honerable exertion in many of the minor fields of ’oss enterprise. He can go a good bat, too, when he’s roused; and though I says it who should not, Miss Lucretia may go a deal farther and fare worse. What say you to five-and-twenty guas? If Lucretia’s young and ’andsome I’ll take punds, if not I must ’ave the guas. Let me hear from you, as to this. Always,

“P.S.—Grey ’airs is nothin’. I’ve seen ’em all grey afore now.”

The following was Captain Doleful’s rejoinder:—

“Dear Mr. Jorrocks,—Your polite letter merits my warmest gratitude. Miss Lucretia is young and beautiful! Left an almost unprotected orphan, I feel deeply interested in her welfare, which I am sure will be participated in by you when you have the pleasure of her acquaintance. Twenty-five pounds seems a great sum for a horse confessedly not first-rate—could you not soften it a little? Fifteen, I should think, considering the circumstances, ought to buy him. He is not handsome— Lucretia is beautiful! Believe me, ever, dear Mr. Jorrocks,

The same post brought the following letter from James Pigg:—

“Honnor’d Sir,—The ard dancin’-maister has been in and out o’ wor stable varry oft, and seems sweet on ard Xerxes. He says he’s for a lady, but his Miss Jelly tould a woman I had for the season, who tould me, that he wants him for hissel’; so mind your eye, and no more from

“H’unds be main well—so be sel’.”

Mr. Jorrocks took the hint, assumed the indifferent, and wrote as follows, for the delay of a post or two:—

“Dear Doleful,—Handsome is wot handsome does. If Xerxes arn’t a beauty, he’s uncommon useful. Five per cent. seems discount enough between ‘beauty and the beast.’ If you like to fork out £25 he’s yours, if not, say no more about it.

The captain did not exactly like this letter, but not being easily choked, he returned to the charge with the following answer:—

“Dear Mr. Jorrocks,—At the risk of being thought importunate, I again venture to intercede very respectfully on behalf of the young and beautiful orphan who has sought my assistance in the matter of a horse. Under no other circumstances could I venture to intrude myself further upon your valuable time. You, like all high-minded men, disdain two prices. I admire your independence, but in expressing my admiration, may I venture to hope that some little relaxation from so meritorious a rule may be allowed in a case so peculiarly interesting as the young and beautiful Miss Lucretia Learmouth’s? Could we not put it thus:—I’ll give you twenty-five pounds for Xerxes, on the understanding that you return me five? That, I think, seems very fair. Hoping you will accede to a proposition so reasonable, believe me, dear Mr. Jorrocks,

The following was Mr. Jorrocks’s answer to the proposition:—

“Dear Doleful,—I doesn’t see the wit of your offer. If to give a high price is the object of your ambition, I’ll give you a receipt for £100, and throw you back £75, but I cannot throw back nothin’ out of £25. Make up your mind—and let’s have no hagglin’.

Finding Mr. Jorrocks was not to be worked upon in this way, and that there was nothing to gain by personating Miss Lucretia, Captain Doleful determined to come forth in his own character, and wrote as follows:—

“Dear Mr. Jorrocks,—I have just received yours, and regret to inform you that Miss Lucretia Learmouth has been suddenly called into Scotland by the alarming illness of a beloved relative, whereby all occasion for a horse is, of course, done away with. The difficulty of making this announcement is, however, relieved by the circumstance of my willingness to place myself in her shoes; I therefore beg to say I shall be glad to take the horse, provided, of course, he is all right, &c., and will send you the money on hearing from you. Dear Mr Jorrocks,

Mr. Jorrocks thus closed the bargain:—

“Dear Doleful,—I’m sorry Lucretia’s gone. I should have liked to have had a look at her. I’m a great admirer o’ beauty in all its branches, and would always rayther give a shillin’ to look at a pretty woman than at a panorama. Howsomever, never mind, the ’oss is yours, and you may hand over the dibs to James Pigg, who will give you a receipt, and all that sort of thing. Charming weather for bees. Do they make much ’oney about you?

Armed with this authority, Doleful repaired to James Pigg’s, and after a desultory conversation, parted with five-and-twenty sovereigns in exchange for the celebrated Xerxes.

Like most young horse-masters, Captain Doleful did not give his new purchase much rest. Morning, noon, and night he was on its back, or driving it about in a job-fly. The captain felt it his duty to call upon everybody in the town, and poor Xerxes was to be seen at all hours, either fastened by the bridle to a lamp-post, or pacing melancholily up and down the street in charge of some little dirty urchin. Sometimes a party of them would take him into a bye-street, and bucket him up and down till they thought the “capt’in would be a comin’.” This, with indifferent grooming and very indifferent keep, soon reduced the once sleek and pampered hunter to a very gaunt, miserable-looking dog-horse.

The captain marked the change with melancholy bodings. He had hoped to sell him with advantage, so as to ride for nothing, and now he seemed more likely to lose by him than anything else. The horse grew daily worse, and a cough settled upon him that seemed likely to finish him. A more unfortunate-looking couple were never seen, than the cadaverous captain and the poor coughing quadruped. Still he went on working him as long as the cough would let him walk, but, it soon getting past that, the captain was thrown on his wits for getting out of the purchase. The following correspondence will show how he attempted it:—

“Dear Mr. Jorrocks,—I am sorry to say your horse is very ill, labouring, we think, under pulmonary consumption. He is dreadfully emaciated, and labouring under a whooping-cough, that is distressing to himself and his hearers. I thought he looked queer when I bought him, as I remarked a nervous quivering of the tail after a slight gallop over Bumpmead. It is unfortunate, but you, as a great horse-master, know these sort of accidents will happen, and it is well the loss falls on one so well able to bear it as the wealthy Mr. Jorrocks. With compliments and best wishes to Mrs. and Miss Jorrocks, who, I hope, are both well, believe me to remain, dear Mr. Jorrocks,

Mr. Jorrocks was rather puzzled how to act on receipt of this. His first impulse was to tell the captain that he was a dirty fellow; and, indeed, he wrote a letter to that effect, but, with praiseworthy prudence, he kept it over-night, and his wrath being somewhat appeased by the operation of writing, the old adage of “least said being soonest mended” came to his assistance, and induced him to concoct the following:—

“Dear Doleful,—Yours is received, and note the contents. Mrs. Jorrocks is misfortunately rayther indisposed, but much obleged by your purlite enquiries. She went to Sadlers’ Wells the night before last, and the house being full, and consequentially ’ot, she was imprudent enough to sit with the box-door open, which gave her the ear-ache. In other respects, howsomever, she is as lively as usual. This is fine weather for the country. It’s a pity but you had Xerxes right, as toolin’ a young ’oman about in a buggy would be unkommon nice sport. I have no news. Town is very full and ’ot. Wenus, I see by my almanack, is an evenin’ star till the 13th, and arterwards a mornin’ star. Jupiter is a mornin’ star till about the 15th. Adieu.

This, as may be supposed, was not at all satisfactory, so the captain immediately fired off the following:—

“Dear Mr. Jorrocks,—I fear I was not so intelligible as I ought to have been in my last hurried communication. My object was to inform you that your horse, Xerxes, is very bad—dying, we think; and as it appears he had the seeds of consumption at the time you sold him, I think it right you should have the earliest intelligence, in case there is any particular mode of treatment you would like adopted. I feel assured you only require to be acquainted with the untoward circumstance to make you rescind what appears to be an untenable bargain. Wishing you every happiness, I remain, with compliments to the ladies, dear Mr. Jorrocks,

“P.S.—Please to send me a pound of pretty good tea, in ounce packages.”

Still Mr. Jorrocks was determined not to take the hint, and, after the delay of a post or two, concocted the following:—

“Dear Doleful,—I am werry sorry to hear so bad an account of my old frind Xerxes. It’s a bore to lose the services of a quad jest at the time one wants them. I certainlie considered him a consumptive hanimal when I had him, but it was an ’ay-and-corn consumption. I am werry much obleged by your communication. In course I feels an interest in the prosperity of a hanimal wot has carried me, with such unruffled equinimity, through many a glorious chase: but in the hands of a ’umane and discriminatin’ cock like yourself, I feels assured he will receive every attention his pekoolier case can require, and therefore must decline all recommendation. I ’opes you’ll be able to patch him up to do much good work yet. S’pose you try cod-liver hoil.

“P.S.—I send the tea, and ’ope you will like it. The market has been heavy to-day, owin’ to the reports in circulation of the arrival of the overland mail. Little has been done in the article since the 11th inst. About twelve chops of congou have recently arrived, common quality, for which high rates are asked. Sugar’s riz. Mrs. J. has gone for change of hair to Shepherd’s Bush, but I don’t know that I shall follow her. Coram for me. Pleasantest street in London.”

Captain Doleful was very angry when he received this. He saw Mr. Jorrocks was langhing at him, and determined to show fight:—

“Dear Mr. Jorrocks,—I wish to state to you, very plainly and explicitly, that the horse Xerxes is unsound, and was so when you sold him, and that I mean to return him. If there is any stable in particular you wish him sent to, please to let me know by return of post, as he now stands at your expense.

Then as Doleful read it over and thought it rather tart, he softened it with the following plaisanterie:—

“P.S.—The tea is very good. I wish I could say as much for the trotter.”

Mr. Jorrocks was equally determined, as appears by his answer:—

“Dear Doleful,—I thought you’d have been more of a conjurer than to s’pose I’d take back a £25 ’oss wot I never warranted. You took him for better or for worser, jest as I took Mrs. J. P’raps he may not be quite so good a ticket as you could wish; it werry seldom ’appens that they are; but that’s no reason why you should be off the bargain. Make the best on him. ‘Be to his wirtues ever kind: be to his faults a leetle blind,’ as I told you in my second lector.

“P.S.—Perhaps he’s got worms; if so, linseed hoil him.”

The following was the captain’s ultimatum:—

“Sir,—When I opened the negotiation with you respecting your rubbishing good-for-nothing horse, I thought that in dealing with the Master of the Handley Cross Fox-hounds, I had some guarantee that I was dealing with a gentleman. I grieve to find I was mistaken in my conjecture. I now demand a return of the money I paid for your nasty diseased horse, which an honest English jury will award me in the event of a refusal. Waiting your answer, I remain, sir,

Mr. Jorrocks’s answer was very short:—

“Dear Doleful,—I doesn’t know nothin’ wot an honest English jury may do for you, but this I knows, I’ll do nothin’. Zounds, man! you must be mad—mad as a hatter!

“P.S.—Let’s have no more nonsense.”

And Doleful, seeing that all negotiation was hopeless, rushed off to that last consolation of the injured—a lawyer,—who advised that he had a capital case if he took it to the superior courts; and Doleful assenting, he immediately prepared for having a pop at friend Jorrocks.

While all this was going on, Handley Cross became quite a different place. The winter legion of semi-sporting invalids passed away, and were replaced by a spring detachment from the various seats of unhealthiness—pimply aldermen, plethoric and purse-plethoric millowners with their radiant ladies, anxious mammas with their interesting daughters making the grand round of the matrimonial watering-place markets.

Still we regret to say that our famous Spa, though abundantly supplied with everything else, was but indifferently well off for eligible young men. Not but that there were plenty of idle, cane-sucking, wide-sleeved, flagrant neckclothed youths, but the real woodcocks of life, if we may so term them—men who could say to a lady, “I can keep you as you ought to be,” were scarce —very scarce indeed. Most of the youths were mere hobbledehoys—hanging about home till they got something to do—hopeless for anything but flirtation, and even then they could only be worked on the reciprocity system; Miss de Glancey favouring her brother’s “appreciation” of Miss Glow on the understanding that Miss Glow encouraged their Tom to “think well” of Miss de Glancey. Under these circumstances it will be readily imagined how welcome, how exciting was the advent of a gentleman unfettered with females, and unencumbered with the protection of all friends and relations of this life—an occurrence so unusual, that we should ill evince our gratitude for the dispensation were we not to devote a separate chapter to the announcement.